Rant No. 1: Hover Bitches

Unfortunately for me, I can't hover and piss at the same time. I think it has to do with A) being an out-of-shape, weak-quadricepted person and B) because hovering takes all the concentration it takes to piss.

This leaves me in a terrible spot when I have to use the dreaded Hole Shitter, the Port-a-Potty.

I really have no choice but to put my ass on that seat, but many, many women do have that choice. And these women exercise that choice whenever they go into one of those things. That's great for them, but what about me? Am I the only woman on this earth who can't hover and piss at the same time? I think not.

Hoverers, ho! You need to take care of your fucking piss on the seat. Take some freaking lessons on hover etiquette, please. It's bad enough when hovering in the dark and you can't see what you did there, but it's a completely other thing when it's broad daylight and you leave your piss on the seat. Either way, a gob of TP can fix this situation you just left for me, the chick who can't hover.

It's simple really. Grab as much TP as you need to perform the cleanup duties and do it. How hard is that? Were you raised in a barn? My God, it's common decency.

But no, these lazy fucking women* piss on the seat and then walk out the door. It's bad enough going into one of those things for anyone, and then you go and leave your mess for me to clean up. If you would just clean it up in the first place, I wouldn't have to, and I wouldn't have to freak out about how long it's been sitting there. If you provide minimal contact time, there's no need for me to worry.

The worst part is that it becomes an endless cycle. Once one woman pisses on the seat and leaves it there, the next woman must hover or wipe it up. With each new hoverer comes new droplets, and then they exponentially add up to the wettest goddamn seat you've ever seen. Believe me when I say that it can become like a seat puddle instead of just seat droplets.

There's a point where cleanup is no longer an option. There's just too much there to have the courage to touch my ass to that seat. No amount of TP is going to change that. Then it's on to Plan B: Piss wherever I can where the fewest amount of people will see me.

I don't see why I need to pack my already-packed-to-the-max purse with antibacterial wipes because some lazy bitch before me left her droplets for me to clean up. They should put those things in there to begin with, and maybe no one would have to hover.

So, to all the hover bitches out there, please take note: Clean up your goddamn mess because there are some women in this world who can't hover and piss at the same time. Ugh.

*This is assuming that men use the little pee thing made for them. If they don't and leave piss on the seat, they are big, fucking assholes. There is no reason for that at all.